Episode 92: In this episode, I’m talking about the benefits of getting to a place of neutral thinking in areas of your life that feel negative or sticky and why it’s sometimes easier for “neutral” to be your goal.
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Show Notes:
In this episode, I’m talking about the journey from feeling lost and overwhelmed with your situation to feeling good about your life and feeling happiness and peace. Getting there isn’t always easy, but working towards neutral thinking about your situation will help you feel better faster. Getting to neutral doesn’t feel as daunting as going from one extreme to the other.
In this episode you’ll learn:
- why when you’re feeling pain after a life transition, grasping on to wanting things to be “all better” is only going to slow down your progress
- how you can be with both feelings of wishing things were the way they used to be AND seeing the gifts in your situation
- Why getting to a place of neutral thinking is a great goal as well as ways you can achieve it
Are you intrigued by neutral thinking? Are you feeling stuck and want help moving forward?
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So many people get to a point in life where they realize that life feels like a mere existence. Every day feels the same and it is NOT what they thought it would be. They thought they’d feel more… ALIVE.
And they’re in pain because they feel like there isn’t a way out of their current situation.
I’m here to tell you that it IS possible to have the life you want. It’s not going to come easy, at the snap of your fingers, but it is 100% possible.
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Other episodes:
- Ep 122: How to Take the High Road When People Say Mean Things About You
- Ep 121: 5 Ways to Make the Mirror Your Friend
- Ep 120: Getting Back on the Goals Bandwagon – Setting Better Goals
- Ep 119: Slow Down! How to Embrace Getting Still and Waiting Patiently
- How to Fix Your All-or-Nothing Thinking
The Real, Brave, & Unstoppable full episode catalog
Transcript:
Ep 91: Living a Lighter Life with Heather Aardema
Hey everyone. And welcome back to Real, Brave, and Unstoppable episode number 92.
It’s so hard to believe that it’s getting towards the end of June. The third week in June. How is this possible? I feel like summer just started yet. It’s like, it’s going to go by so fast as it always does. We’ve had amazing, beautiful weather here in Maryland. I had my birthday on Saturday. So it was a nice day. Not as nice as I thought it was supposed to be. But, I share a birthday with my ex-husband, so after 20 years of us knowing each other, I had to, I had to share my day. So
now that I am not married to him, I always make sure I make the most of it because I spent a lot of years where our birthdays sort of canceled each other out. It’s kinda different to not have your own special day. So yeah, I had a great day. We went for a short hike. And we went to a winery for
a lunch of cheese and charcuterie and some nice rosé. And then, we went to a cafe where we had a, we tried a glass of Greek wine, which was super fun. And then we discovered a meadery that was like two doors down. We had no idea it was there. So we did a flight of Mead. Well, so this was a day of a lot of
unintentional drinking for me. And then we went to go see top gun Maverick. And I was so tired that I had a really hard time keeping my eyes open in certain places because we were the only tickets we could get were in the front row. And it was, there were those cushy seats that recline.
We had to recline quite a ways to be, have a good view, the best view of the show. Right. So, it was really comfy and I was really tired. And then we came home and watched. We tried to watch the last episode of stranger things. And I fell asleep during that and woke up with 10 minutes
left. So I was like, oh, I don’t want to ruin the end. So then I just went back to sleep. So I guess it was a good day because I couldn’t keep my eyes open at the end. So, yay birthday.
And this week we’ll actually, my kids left for vacation with their dad on my birthday. So we had a celebration the night before, which is also a funny story. Mom, if you’re listening, my mom loves cake. Like it’s funny. She loves cake. A lot.
But I like cake too. Maybe not quite as much as my mom, but I like to make cakes as well, like layer cakes, and I like to try to get fancy sometime. Sometime I will write about, or sometime I will tell the story about the R two D two cake on this podcast, but I don’t want to like take too long talking about my stories today.
So I’ll tell that story another day. So anyway, I decided that I was going to make my own cake. Cause I was around on Friday and I thought, well, Fridays I usually have a lighter day, so I’ll make this cake. And I made this yummy, like vanilla cake with pastry cream filling, and then my partner comes home and he brings, he brings, uh, 14 cupcakes.
So we had 14 cupcakes. Plus a nine-inch three-layer cake or eight-inch three-layer cake for four of us.
It was a lot of cake. Anyway. So getting on track here for today’s episode. I mentioned my kids are on vacation with their dad. And,
every summer we’re each …I promise this story is going to go somewhere. Every summer, we’re each supposed to get two weeks of vacation time with our kids. And the past few years, I usually take a week at a time, but he’s taken like the full two weeks, at one time, which was really brutal at first, you know, and as we were getting used to having to split time with the kids, that was brutal. Two weeks.
The trip they’re on right now is just a week, but I still, obviously I missed them. They’re my kids, but as I reflected on this, I mentioned it was brutal for me to be away from them. Like, and you know, for me to spend time by myself when we first got divorced, but, I’ve now gotten myself really to pretty neutral about them being away. Of course, I miss them.
But I’ve also really learned to appreciate, you know, the time I have with my partner and also for me to spend time with myself doing some of the things I’m not able to do when I’m in mom mode. And my son of course is nearly 20, so he has different needs than my daughter does. But, I wanted to talk about this today because, you know, I remember, and I’ll, I’ll tell you the story in a second, but I remember when I had such a hard time with, you know,
the divorce, the split. Because of, you know, my family was changing and I wasn’t able to be with my kids all the time. And it was so hard. And so I was reflecting on it and I kind of got to this place where I was sort of in awe of how it’s so different now. Like I can appreciate them when they’re with me. And I can also appreciate it when I have my own time.
And I never thought I would get there. And so there are a lot of different situations with like transitions where that happens. You know, you have a big change. And it really feels like it sucks. And like you’ll never let go of, you know, wanting it to be that way. And then over time, like, you know, you do some work on it and you can get to that place where it’s kind of neutral.
So I want to talk about that today.
So I’ve told the story before. I think several times, but when my ex and I were in like the, you know, throes of the messy divorce process, one of the things that I got so stuck on was that I had lost what I had defined as a quote, normal family. A friend at the time tried to explain that there’s no such thing as normal and you never know what’s going on behind, you know, the.
The normal facade that you see and all the things everyone has their own definition of that is. But my brain did not want to let go of the idea of like a normal nuclear family. Cause that’s what I wanted. I didn’t care how much, you know, how present the reality that it wasn’t going to happen. I wanted it. And so I clung to that.
You know, sometimes it is just really hard to let go of something that we want, but can’t have.
And brains are a funny thing. Because you can see here that, like I said, even though I knew my definition of normal was gone, I still hung onto it, like with a death grip. And you know, if you take emotion out of it, oh, I could have easily shifted my thinking. Or if you, you know, take hard out of it, I could have easily shifted my thinking to, okay, I’m just going to have to pivot and create a new normal.
But instead. You’re clinging to the idea that in order for my life to be good, I needed a family with two married parents and kids living in the same home. Like I created that. I mean, you know, that’s how I grew up. So it felt normal to me, but really like I had the option, it was an optional creation. Right. I didn’t have to create that, but I did.
So the reason that it was so hard when it went away was that I had thoughts that this is the way it should be. This is normal. And I also clung to the idea that normal was good. It’s supposed to be normal. That’s why it’s called normal. So I suffered a lot. There were times when I would be in church and I had to leave.
Cause I just start crying. And I remember one year on Easter. I just had. I didn’t even make it like probably 15 minutes. I had to leave. I say I didn’t have to leave, but I chose to leave because I was feeling kind of self-conscious about my sobbing in the middle of church.
And I have to say that changing my thoughts about my family. It’s not something that happens easily. Like it’s easy to say, oh, you just send your thoughts. And a lot of coaches like are just very much in that mindset of yeah, you just change your thoughts and everything changes. Well, yeah, but it’s not always that easy.
And it doesn’t happen overnight. But today, I want to talk about this and the importance of getting to neutral when you’re in like the suffering mode.
Because it’s a big jump to going from the sucks, for example, to everything is rainbows and daisies, right? That’s not how this works.
A lot of my clients and followers have gone through a divorce. And one of the things that comes up. And also I relate to this, when the anniversary date rolls around every year. I can really relate to this one, cause it can be a hard day. It’s a reminder of what’s gone, you know? So that’s the life that you lost and that’s pretty big, right?
For myself, I can say that I’ve really gotten to a place of neutrality with that day. It’s not like it comes and I’m like, yes, thank God that marriage is over. Thank God everything about my life then is gone. No, I miss some of that stuff, you know? But I’m neutral about it. I can remember the things that were good and that I appreciate about that time. And I also remember the things that weren’t so good and why I enjoy the life I have now
on that day. And the people in my life generally know it’s been a tough time in the past for me. So they’re super supportive. My boyfriend brought me flowers and a super sweet card this year, but, but really like, I’m, I’m pretty neutral about it.
I do still have work to do when it comes to feeling neutral about my ex though. And that’s okay. Neutral is my goal. I don’t expect to ever love who he is after what I’ve been through. After what I went through. But I do expect to get to neutral and that’s a much easier place to aim for.
And it’s fine to just be neutral about something. To not feel supercharged about it. Right. So many of you and I was here too. So. Just know that. You just don’t want to feel the pain of the transition or the change, the event. None of us want to feel pain. Of course. But the trick is you have to learn how to be with it. The only way
is through. I think that’s like an Underarmour slogan, but the only way is through. You can’t just shortcut it. If you turn around, you’re just going to be stuck in it. So you have to just go through it. And the only way through those painful feelings is being with them. Honoring them, letting them energetically move through you.
Let them serve their purpose. And instead of resisting, just kind of watch them. You’re this vessel for this energy to move through you. And emotions are really just energy. You know that if they’re a vibration and you’re a vessel for them to move through you. If you can kind of watch them, it can be really interesting to like you learn your triggers. You start to have a really good awareness of things. It’s really a good tool for growth.
But I’m not denying this can feel difficult for sure. But it’s the work, right? Yes. It’s the work. So if you’re one of those people who feel so much pain, because you just want the emotions to be gone. You just want to feel good. You have to work on an interim place to land. A smaller chunk to bite off. And, that is neutral to work towards a neutral.
In the situation with my ex, I can’t expect to go from having thoughts like, he’s such an asshole to, I love everything about him and I feel perfectly great about every aspect of our relationship and the party plays in my life right now. No. That is totally rainbows and daisies and or rainbows and unicorns. However, you want to say it. It is not realistic nor do I really care to get there. I don’t, I don’t care.
I’ll probably always have some kind of charge about him in some way. Right. He’ll probably always piss me off a little bit. Maybe not. But it’s also in the expectation, right? I’m not mad about it. I can be with the emotion when it comes up. Because I don’t have the expectation either that I’m going to get to, oh my God. He’s the best thing ever.
My goal is just neutral. It’s much easier to think about getting to neutral.
So if you lose a job, been they’re done that. Your first reaction might be to panic or to feel bad about yourself. Or no one likes to get fired, obviously, or feel hatred or animosity towards the company. Your thoughts about losing the job are causing those feelings. Your thoughts about the job
are causing the feelings. So getting to neutral might look at why losing the job happened for you. What are the benefits that you have, you know, losing that job? Here’s a story about that. So I don’t always like telling this story because it involves me. Being let go from a job. And that’s a little triggering sometimes. I mean, as I said, none of us like to be, let, go from a job, like we can make it mean all kinds of things.
But a few years ago I left a job I had in craft beer sales. And it was the first brewery I worked for and I didn’t make much money at all. I left that and went to work in inside sales for a company that basically sold tech solutions to government agencies.
And the work wasn’t super exciting, but it was fine and it paid fairly well. Certainly, more than I was making at the little brewery. And it was really enticing to me because of a few things. It was a huge step up in income for me first of all, when I, uh, when I was offered the job, it was a work-from-home position. My boss was super cool.
And the commission opportunity was also sizeable. So that possibility was, it was really there. So. Fast forward a little bit. And I was let go right before my probationary period ended. And I was let go basically because I was going through a really hard time in my family. We had some medical things going on that required me to be available for one of my kids
a lot during work hours. Because of appointments and stuff. And my boss who was hired after I was hired. So not the cool boss, basically told me that I needed to find doctor appointments outside of work hours. Well, I’m not really sure what universe she lives on because that doesn’t really exist. There are only so many to go around and there are a lot more people than there are.
After work hours doctor’s appointments. So it really just wasn’t possible. Even though I tried, and it was basically a, you’re more committed to your family than your job. So this won’t work out scenario and she fired me. So she’s actually really not a nice human at all, but that is another story for another day.
So anyway, the point is I was completely panicked at first. Called, you know, multiple people crying. What am I going to do? And my life is over. But thankfully once I, you know, had a chance to step back from it, I have some tools in my tool belt to be able to balance the panic. Not saying that panic didn’t keep popping into my, you know, field.
But to also embrace the idea that everything happens for me for a reason, and something would work out. So to trust. And it eventually did. And as always, like, I can connect the dots backward to see how leaving that job really was at the time, the best thing for me. So being able to hold both of those things, you know, to be with the panic and the anxiety, but also to hold the possibility that this could be a better thing.
It helped me get to a neutral place about the whole thing.
Also, our brains always want to look for evidence that something is a problem. So what will happen will be that we’ll see all the reasons, like in my case, why the job was the best thing ever, even though, like, we didn’t like it. So when you can intentionally look at all the reasons why it’s a good thing you’re not in that space anymore, that helps you get to a neutral place. It doesn’t mean that you only think about, you know, that they’re only good reasons that you got let go. That’s not really realistic. Of course, you’ll look at the bad things too.
But if you can look at both sides of it, it’s going to help you feel a little more neutral, a little closer, and remember, that’s just your goal. So I’ve also worked with some people, some women who are like new empty nesters. Their kids are out of the house. So that’s a big transition. I’m not an empty nester just yet, but my son is in college. So it’s just my daughter living at home with me
a little over half the time. But it is a big shift to have older kids. Learning how to parent them when they’re leaving the nest. So to speak. And so how to get to neutral on that? Like, you know, cause you’re always gonna miss them. So you’re, you’re never going to be super excited not to see them.
And if you are, that might be a problem,
But you can think about things that will help you get to neutral. Like you still miss them, but you know, you’re happy they’re happy. You’re excited for them to get out into the world and, you know, do their thing. Experience things, have their own successes learn from their mistakes. Maybe get married, have kids do all the things, you know, that you once did. Find themselves, et cetera, et cetera.
This is also like it’s a huge exercise in letting go. Which can be hard. I always like to say with kids that they’re never yours. They’re never really yours. You were just given the job of raising them until they were ready to like spread their wings and fly on their own. And it’s such a hard thing, but it’s really beautiful at the same time.
That you know, we were chosen to be their parents, and, and see them through you know, their development. But getting to neutral just really requires looking at all of it and being able to be with all of it, even when it’s hard. Because you know that on the other side of it is so much good and beauty and joy.
When kids leave, some of them have kids of their own, and I’m not a grandma yet, but I know other people who have grandkids and they can’t imagine their lives without grandkids. If the kids never would have left the nest, they might not ever have that.
So transitions while you’re leaving something behind you, you’re also gaining something. It’s just that- it’s a transition from the old to the new, and there are so many transitions in life and it’s important to look at all of it, you know, to be with all of it. You can’t have it all the ways, just like you can’t have all the things.
You know, you have to let go of needing all the things and be grateful for the things that are in your life. And you can still have feelings about the things you don’t have or the things you’ve lost or the things you’re not happy about. For sure. We don’t want toxic positivity or, you know, spiritual bypassing here.
You know, but you can do both. You can recognize what’s missing or hard and honor that, but you can also find the good and you can build on the good. Honoring the hard stuff, that’s just part of getting to neutral.
How you feel about your body. That’s another place where getting to neutral is super helpful. It’s pretty hard to go from self-loathing or, you know, hating your body to, oh my God. I love every single bit of it. No. Neutral first, if you’re somebody who can go that extreme I want to learn from you. So let’s talk.
But body neutrality is a big movement these days. How can you get to a place where it just doesn’t matter? You’re more than a body. It just doesn’t matter.
I’m not saying that’s easy, by the way. I’m not saying any of this is easy. So for those of you, who’ve been through a divorce or the end of a relationship and really any of you for that matter, whatever your specific situation is, you know, you’re not going to get to neutral overnight. But it’s a, you know, it’s a goal. It’s a, it’s a place to aim for.
And you always, you know, you need direction. You need a direction to aim. There’s a lot of pain and getting through a divorce. Obviously, or if you’re someone who’s lost a loved one, the same thing, there’s a lot of grieving. For what’s lost to be done. But, as I said earlier, you have to allow those hard feelings because that’s part of getting to a neutral place.
You know, you have to get uncomfortable. To be able to grow to a new, you know, a new comfort zone.
And one thing I want to clarify too is getting to neutral doesn’t mean you don’t care. It doesn’t mean that you’re an apathy about it. It doesn’t mean that you want things to change. It just means you’re in a place where you can accept and appreciate that you lost something. While also appreciating what you’ve gained.
There’s beauty in that. It’s like burning the bridge and building up something new or built, burning something down and building something new up in a way.
But yeah, you won’t be able to just jump right into neutral. It’s sort of like you kind of have to build the bridge. Build a new bridge. And first, you need to learn how to be with the hard emotions and just to surrender to what is, you know, in this moment. You need to learn how to love yourself through it, too really.
Love all the parts of you. Even the ones where, you know, even the difficult emotions or the part of you that has a hard time accepting difficult emotions, lots of self-love and compassion. Even getting to neutral about yourself is really self-care. Self-love.
Gradually you’ll get to a place where you can shift your energy into a place where you can think about gratitude or, you know, the gifts, in the transition, the change, and maybe you can even embrace a new normal because that’s really what it’s about. You know, it’s the shifting constant shifting in life, growing, going from one
stage to another. Always.
As humans, we’re wired that way to always crave growth, even though sometimes it’s super hard and we don’t think we like it. If we didn’t have growth our lives would be really stagnant and that’s when you start to feel like you’re on the hamster wheel or going through Groundhog day. For me,
my new normal. It’s amazing. Do I miss the old normal? Yeah, of course, I do sometimes more than others, but now I guess I’m able to look at it from a place of enjoying the memories or being thankful that I had that experience. I learned how to accept what is in this moment now, even if I don’t like it, as much as something I liked from my old, my old normal.
You know, cause this moment now is the only one that I know I will for sure have. And even though sometimes I don’t really like the moment I’m in, I can sort of soften into it. Do I ever get upset or sad or hopeless or depressed or whatever. Yes. But I can be with those feelings because I know that they won’t last and I can, well, actually what I do is I just go all-in on them and I get bored with them.
Quickly. But I, you know, I let them flow through me from a place of acceptance. And eventually, those feelings subside into a more neutral place. They do. They always do. Earlier this spring, I had a couple of days where I just felt kind of depressed and I, I I spent a full day just on the couch. Seriously.
Watching Netflix and sleeping all day.
And, you know what, but the next day it was like, yeah, I’m tired of doing that. And I just kinda, kinda like it had kind of worked its way through me. So it was beautiful. But I let myself go all in full bore I’m not doing anything. So. You know, eventually, those feelings don’t last forever.
I want to caveat this. If you are in a place where you are in severe depression, if you’ve been diagnosed with that, or, you know, you’re really struggling with that. It’s not as easy as just letting them move through you. So I just want to acknowledge that, make sure that, that I acknowledge it, that it’s not like I don’t want to make it sound like you snap your fingers and you can be out of it.
Um, so anyway, This is all that I’ve talked about today is all part of like my process that I call in the weeds, quote or quote lost in the wilderness. You’re getting yourself to a place where you can accept and surrender that you don’t really know where you’re going and then you can start to find it.
You know, find your way.
So that’s really what it’s about. Neutral, even though it’s just it’s neutral… it might not be where you want to land. It is a direction. And this is what I’m talking about in the free workshop that I’m hosting next Thursday. The workshop was supposed to be tonight, but I had to postpone it until next week.
So in the workshop, we’re talking about just assessing the situation, getting a handle on where you’re at. And also visioning what the life you want looks like. And that can be a baby step. Cause not everybody knows what they want, their, you know, their dream life to look like. So it might be a baby step, like getting to neutral.
So, you know, you want to get to neutral on something and feel okay about it. Like, you know, you’re not paralyzed about what am I going to do? So then you can, from a very empowered, intuitive place know what steps you need to take to feel better or do better so you can get to a more neutral place and move forward rather than staying stuck. Just wishing you had your old normal back.
That’s not moving through. That’s just stopping in the middle of the burning fire. It doesn’t feel good. But the workshop is next Thursday, the 30th of June, at 7:00 PM Eastern. And you can register, I’ll put this in the show notes, but register at bit.ly/thelifeyouwant-workshop, and that workshop is free. It’s an interactive workshop. So we’ll be doing exercises together on the call it’s on zoom. And you’ll get a chance to get coached if you want that. So it’s a great opportunity for free, and if you attend live, I’ll have a bonus for you. Yay bonuses. We all love bonuses.
So that is all I have for today. So instead of worrying about feeling better, all better. Just worry about, or don’t worry, but work on getting to neutral. It’s not as far to go. You’re not biting off more than you can chew with neutral. And remember that it’s a process. Be with the process.
Know that you’ll always get where you want to go because if you want something, the way to get it is always possible. So if you know, you want neutral, if you’re focused on that, you will get there. So patience and, you know, get to neutral first. And then keep going, if you want. All right friends.
That is all I have for today, have a great week. And I will see you next week, which is the last episode of season two. And then I will be on a short hiatus as I get ready for season three. So I will see you next week.
