Episode 89: In this episode of the podcast, I’m chatting with relationship coach and author, Marilyn Sutherland about why putting self love first is one of the most important things you can do for your relationships as well as other healthy habits that help you invite love into your life rather than push it away.
Prefer to read an article? Visit Kortneyrivard.com/blog
Show Notes:
In this episode, I’m talking with relationship coach and author, Marilyn Sutherland.
We talk about loving yourself first and how the relationship with yourself is the most important one you can have. Starting here is the foundation for all of your other relationships.
We’re also diving into Marilyn’s book, Why Did You Load the Dishwasher Like That: 9 Whopping Mistakes That Push Love Away.
In the book, she talks about the “survival habits” we’ve learned as we’ve grown up and how those habits are the “whopping mistakes” that cause problems in our relationships – they push love away. Marilyn talks about developing healthy habits that counteract the “whopping mistakes” and build stronger relationships.
Tune in this week to learn some of the ways you can avoid the “whopping mistakes” that push love away and start creating some healthy habits that let love in. (starting with self love first!!).
You can learn more about Marilyn at:
Love Lead Connect website
Relationship School
Why Did You Load the Dishwasher Like That book
Facebook
LinkedIn
Resources
The most important relationship is the one you have with yourself. But why is it so hard? Schedule a Strategy Session to discover how you can start.
Schedule a call at www.kortneyrivard.com/lets-talk
Visit https://kortneyrivard.com/lovelife to download a free guide on how to create a life you love!
Support the show (https://www.buymeacoffee.com/kortneyrivard)
Other episodes:
- Ep 122: How to Take the High Road When People Say Mean Things About You
- Ep 121: 5 Ways to Make the Mirror Your Friend
- Ep 120: Getting Back on the Goals Bandwagon – Setting Better Goals
- Ep 119: Slow Down! How to Embrace Getting Still and Waiting Patiently
- How to Fix Your All-or-Nothing Thinking
The Real, Brave, & Unstoppable full episode catalog
Transcript:
Episode 89 Self-Love First and Other Healthy Relationship Habits that Let Love In
Kortney Rivard: [00:00:00] Hello, and welcome back to Real, Brave, & Unstoppable. This is episode number 89. Today I am excited to have Marilyn Sutherland with me on the show.
Kortney Rivard: Marilyn is a relationship coach, the founder of love lead connect, coaching creator of relationship school, which is a group program. For women to learn skills, to help them create better relationships. And she’s also the author of the number one, Amazon best-selling relationship book. Why did you load the dishwasher like that nine whopping mistakes that push love away.
Kortney Rivard: I’ve had the pleasure of getting to know Marilyn over the last year, we’ve been in a coaching certification program together.
Kortney Rivard: And I’ve gotten to personally witness some of the amazing nuggets of wisdom that Marilyn has, and I’ve been able to make my own relationships. Richer and more authentic to who I am.[00:01:00] So sit back, relax and enjoy this awesome conversation with Marilyn Sutherland.
Kortney Rivard: Hello everyone. And welcome back to real, brave and unstoppable. I’m really excited to have Marilyn Sutherland with me today.
Kortney Rivard: Marilyn is the founder of love, lead and connect coaching, and also relationship school, which is a group program she offers. And she’s also the author of the book. Why did you load the dishwasher like that? Nine whopping mistakes that push love away. Love the name of that book. So I just want to welcome you Marilyn to the show.
Marilyn Sutherland: Thank you, Kortney. I am so happy to be here and be with you.
Kortney Rivard: I’ve had the pleasure of getting to know Marilyn a little bit… , we’re in a certification program together and we actually got to meet in person in January in Austin, and we’ll get to see each other in person in may for our final certification retreat again. Marilyn has just, she’s a really great [00:02:00] relationship coach, and I’ve really learned a lot of amazing gems
Kortney Rivard: that I’ve put into practice in my own life. So really excited to talk about what you do today. So let’s just start with why don’t you
Kortney Rivard: just tell us a little bit more about who you are, what you do, who you serve.
Marilyn Sutherland: Well, when I look back on my life, I was, I’ve always been someone who wants to connect with. And when I was like four years old, I was in a little dance class, you know, for preschoolers. And we would walk down the street. My parents take walk and people would be up on their porches. It was like I was in a sunken stage and I would call out to people.
Marilyn Sutherland: Hi, I can sing and I can dance for them on the sidewalk. It’s very funny that I remember that. And recently I just did a talk on, uh, last Friday [00:03:00] and the woman said she knew me 20 years ago. And she said, you’ve really changed a lot since I’ve been married PS. And she said, what, what did you do? And at the end, after a while, and we talk a lot, she said to me, Marilyn, you’re a connector.
Marilyn Sutherland: Everything you say is about connecting. And so she’s like, I can’t think like that. And so she was trying to figure out what’s the mystery, but you can learn how to connect with people. It’s skills, it’s skills, and a willingness to play in that arena. And the more you practice, the better you get.
Kortney Rivard: Such a good point. Practice. I don’t think most people think about connecting with others in terms of like, it takes practice.
Marilyn Sutherland: Yes, it’s all habits. A lot of what I do with people is about half the habits we have. And in fact, that’s what my book is [00:04:00] about is the nine survival habits. I call them whopping mistakes and they’re ways that we behave because when we were little, we didn’t know how to act. I came up with something and it worked like we didn’t die.
Marilyn Sutherland: And so now we have, you know, like hiding under the bed when people get angry or being a rebel or just withdrawing or getting angry or hurt. And we practice that all the time. And now as adults, we don’t need that anymore, but we still do that.
Marilyn Sutherland: We’re unconscious.
Kortney Rivard: Yeah, so true. I, I was looking at your website before we hopped on the recording today. And one of the quotes I noticed was how we show up in any area is how we show up in every area, which is, sounds like what you’re saying is that we learn these ways of being when we’re little and we we just don’t really [00:05:00] ever stop to question them and they run like a habit loop in our brain.
Kortney Rivard: And then pretty soon, you know, we’re interacting with, you know, our, our partner, that way, our kids that way are, you know, colleagues that way. And it’s just, we don’t ever stop to really ask ourselves, is this serving me?
Marilyn Sutherland: Yes.
Marilyn Sutherland: You know, the thing that’s interesting. Sometimes people are really different in one situation, like at work versus with their family. And sometimes it’s fake in one place and authentic in the other and because people know there’s room for them to act out. So they have an under control, but then they come home and they explode but that doesn’t mean it’s not true.
Marilyn Sutherland: It just means that they have the capacity to fake it, but they haven’t done the work to really make the behavior change real because once you’re kind, or you’re thoughtful or you’re [00:06:00] caring, or you’re compassionate with people, once you’re doing that, it’s going to show up more and more in all the areas of.
Kortney Rivard: One thing that as you’re talking, and one of the reasons I wanted to have you on the show is I talk about being authentic a lot and about self-love and I thought it would be great to talk about like connection and relationships from that standpoint of how can my listeners bring some of that into their own
Kortney Rivard: connections and relationships. And one of the quotes that I loved on your website was how much you love yourself will define how much you can let others love you. And I thought that was so beautiful because I think I have an experience myself, I was just writing an article about it, actually, of a relationship I got into shortly after I
Kortney Rivard: divorced or separated from my ex-husband. I didn’t love myself then. And I found myself in a constant state of proving that I [00:07:00] was worthy of love from this person or asking myself who do I need to be in order for him to love and accept me. And because of that, I just wasn’t able to show up in that relationship authentically.
Kortney Rivard: I was always trying to be someone who I thought he would love. So I would love your thoughts on just showing up or loving yourself and how that translates to showing up in an authentic relationship.
Marilyn Sutherland: So many places I could start, let’s start with loving yourself. So self-love is now a buzzword and it, you see it, everyone’s talking so many coaches are talking about it. It’s a lot of articles about it. It, it isn’t manicures and pedicures. And actually I started using the word soul care because our personality isn’t who we really are.
Marilyn Sutherland: And you [00:08:00] could say just like ours, your soul is more your true self. It’s the, you know, whether you’re religious or not. It’s like the good in you or the God in you. That’s your soul. And your personality is your survival habits and when we love ourselves, it means that we are enough. We don’t have to be any different than who we are.
Marilyn Sutherland: And, oh, I cannot remember the name of the person who said this and I’m going to paraphrase that he said, There is no one like you in the universe, nobody has your DNA, your parents, your experiences, nobody, even a twin. Yes. You might be identical, but you are not exactly the same. Exactly the same.
Marilyn Sutherland: And so, and most of us are not twins, so true, we are [00:09:00] not like anyone else. That there is a reason why we’re here now. There is something for us to do, whether it’s to give our gifts or ways to grow and heal. If you believe you’re going to come back in a future time and there’s learning you have in this lifetime, then that’s what your job is, is to learn that whatever your thought is, you’ve got your own journey.
Marilyn Sutherland: No one else can do it. And when we’re not being ourselves. And we’re not we’re not being authentic and we’re missing the opportunity of this life. And if you don’t believe you’re going to come back, then whoa, even more important. Live this life, the best you can. And that means you, you love yourself and appreciate yourself and you know, you’re enough and there’s a lot of ways you can do that,
Marilyn Sutherland: but you have to be willing to turn off the inner judge, which is one of the whopping mistakes. [00:10:00] Stop listening to her or him. Stop listening. Those are voices from our parents or teachers or bullies or quote friends who were jealous or whatever, and shamed us, or said things that were hurtful. We didn’t have the capacity to handle it
Marilyn Sutherland: and so, and we took it in and now it’s part of this recording that we have, and it’s a habit and it will not stop unless you press at least the pause button and you’ve got to listen and recognize it. It’s not you. If you are here for a reason and you are a gift, you have gifts and you are a gift.
Marilyn Sutherland: And then your job is to
Marilyn Sutherland: open the package and reveal your gift and listening to that conversation won’t do that. And that is not you. And you have to recognize.
Kortney Rivard: I love that. That’s [00:11:00] sounds what I’m hearing in that is looking at those stories, those narratives is part of self-love is to, to dismantling them, taking a real good look at them and, and choosing yourself over those stories.
Marilyn Sutherland: And, and the other thing is, one of the whopping mistakes in my book is the pleaser. And, you know, we’ve talked about this before the pleaser is a resist survival habit because we didn’t think people would love us unless we did something or were something. And so we had to, you know, push ourselves to be someone we thought they would love.
Marilyn Sutherland: And almost all the women I’ve ever met in my whole lifetime, many, many decades has pleaser in her a lot or a little. And recently I told my husband, I was talking to my husband about, you know, pretty much all my [00:12:00] clients are pleasers. At least in the areas that are important to them. The pleaser is running their life.
Marilyn Sutherland: Not them, not who they are, what they want, what their, they don’t even know what their heart wants because they were afraid. Then they won’t please other people and they will be rejected. If someone doesn’t want to know who you are, if you are like dating, if you don’t let people know who you are, and they fall in love with you,
Marilyn Sutherland: you’re going to think they don’t love me. Because that’s not who I am. I, I know you’ve heard me before Kortney and the sharings that we’ve done in the class and whatever, when I was dating, I didn’t get married till I was 49. And I actually didn’t think I’d ever get married. And I was okay with that. I was going to move when I retired, I was going to move to Italy.
Marilyn Sutherland: Cause when I went was in Italy, when I was like in my forties and I had men hitting on me and my friend is beautiful and Italian and nobody paid attention to her [00:13:00] because I’ve been blonde, you know, blonde and more fair-skinned or whatever. I was different. And I had one, a father and a son were competing with me…
Marilyn Sutherland: it was crazy. If I don’t get married, I’m not in a committed relationship I’ll move to Italy. I’ll be able to travel all over Europe. Hopefully my friends will come and visit me. I’ll have a lovely adventure. It will be wonderful. I could travel all over Europe. I love to travel and Hey, I’m going to be able to have
Marilyn Sutherland: dating because the men will still probably be be 70 years old or 60 years old, but they’ll still be attracted to me probably if they’re old. And so I’ll still have a social life and I was actually fine with that. And when I would meet somebody, I would say to them early on, like maybe the second or third date, I’d say, Hey, just so you know, I don’t cook.
Marilyn Sutherland: I don’t clean. We need to [00:14:00] have money and hire someone I’m not going to do that. I’m a partner. I said that to every man that I dated and some of them were like, oh, I’m like, okay, well we could just be friends, but Nope, not going to.
Kortney Rivard: Yeah.
Marilyn Sutherland: Cause I’m not going to do that. Now. Truth be told and my husband didn’t expect that, but you know, we’ve been married 23 years now.
Marilyn Sutherland: And there’s times when he was so busy at work. He used to do all the cooking most of the time. Thank you God. But then when he’s busy and he’s doing these, he’s a creative real estate developer, and he’s got these contracts and negotiations and he’s raising money and he doesn’t have time to do the dishes and cook or whatever, and I’m doing that.
Marilyn Sutherland: And I’m my first reaction is I’m triggered. I don’t want to do this, but Hey, I’m a partner and a partner I’m stepping up. He’s not pretending he’s busy. He’s really
Marilyn Sutherland: busy. And if [00:15:00] I, yeah, and if I can do it, then I’ll do it. I’m not going to let dishes pile up for more than two days.
Kortney Rivard: Yeah. Well, that’s such an important thing to note is that, a lot of times, I think when we approach like dating, for example, it’s really so much about how do I make myself attractive enough? Interesting enough, you know, enough for someone to want me and then yeah, you get in a relationship
Kortney Rivard: and that wears off very quickly. You can only pretend to be someone that you’re not for so long. And then when you, you start to be yourself and there’s all this tension and it’s like, why not just be yourself from the start? Like you said, why not just be really upfront about who you are, what you want, what you don’t want.
Kortney Rivard: It seems like it would be so much easier, right?
Marilyn Sutherland: Yeah. Yeah. And you know, the thing about about dating is the job of dating is for you [00:16:00] to make sure you’re finding someone who you feel safe with, who you can be yourself with, who you can be all the different parts of you and they’re going to accept and welcome it.
Kortney Rivard: yeah.
Marilyn Sutherland: if they don’t, they’re not your person.
Kortney Rivard: Yeah. I like to think of it like and this is so hard for a lot of people, because I think, you know, we get into this, we’re sold the story that, you know, you’re supposed to have a partner, you know, that’s a box to be checked and being alone is terrible and all these things, but it’s almost like an interview. Like you’re interviewing people.
Kortney Rivard: Is this person good enough for me? Like, why don’t we think about it, the other. And I think that really plays into the self-love that you’re talking about. Until you can love who you are, you’re not going to be able to let other people love you in the way that you want to be loved. Yeah. And I think now you had a story when we were at the retreat in Austin about[00:17:00] when you were, you weren’t letting love in or you were, what can you tell that story about being up in front of everyone and try and receiving?
Marilyn Sutherland: Yeah. So I, you know, I’ve already said, you know, I really didn’t want to get married. I wasn’t looking for that. I mean, it wasn’t like, I wouldn’t welcome it if I knew the guy was good, but I was not looking for that, but I want you to be in monogamous relationships. I wanted to have a connection with a guy and, you know, kind of like Goldie Hawn and
Kortney Rivard: Kurt Russell,
Marilyn Sutherland: they were like never going to get married. That was fine with me. I didn’t need that anyway. So anyway, here I am in the front of the room and I’m in this, almost a year course, and we had five weekends and I think this was weekend three. And the one of the purposes of the course was to uncover the conversations that were living our life.
Marilyn Sutherland: And in a way it’s kind of like our survival habits. Which is what are the whopping [00:18:00] mistakes that I talk about, but it was like, we have so many beliefs. Like my belly is too big. I’m too small breasted. I’m too big breasted. I’m too smart. And people have told you this, maybe over the years, or you got a look from somebody and you made that up and you make that real.
Marilyn Sutherland: And now you live your life inside of a look that some guy gave you that you thought was cute and he looked at you and you don’t know what it means, but you made it mean you’re not enough or you’re not good enough. So anyway, I’m, I’m um, in the course we did collages of these conversations. One of my collages was, do you really love me?
Marilyn Sutherland: I knew people love me, but like, will you really be there for. And I wasn’t in like, you know, a marriage or whatever, where you hope the person is, but just dating or friends, you never know they have families and stuff. So [00:19:00] that was kind of my, you know, uh, like a second level. I knew I deserve love, but do you really love me?
Marilyn Sutherland: Can I count on you in a way it was about trust. Anyway, another woman in the course had the same collage. In fact, we had several collages, which freaked me out. It was like, oh my goodness. So anyway, I’m in the front of the room, I’m making an announcement about our social event and she yells out Marilyn, ask us if we love you.
Marilyn Sutherland: And I like, I’m not going to ask that. I know not everyone in the room loves me. And then I named people in the room that I knew loved me. These were my friends from before the course, and I’d really gotten close to them. So I named Paul, Lise, and Bob, and a few other people and least was in the front row and she’s like, Marilyn it’s okay.
Marilyn Sutherland: Ask us. So, and I was [00:20:00] getting kind of teary because this felt really vulnerable. And I didn’t think, I didn’t know what was going to happen. So finally I said, do you love me? Silence in the room. I’m like, oh, and then everyone in the room stood up at exactly the same time. And what did I do? Did I let it in?
Marilyn Sutherland: Oh no. I picked two people who were visiting from other cities. We would have visitors if they couldn’t make the weekend in their city, because this was a national, really an international program. They could come to another city. So I picked this one woman. Mary. Why are you standing? You live in New Jersey.
Marilyn Sutherland: And she said, she said, Marilyn, we were here last weekend. And when you saw us yesterday, before the course started, you remembered us and you made us feel so welcome. Of course, [00:21:00] we would love you more if we knew you better. I’m like, okay, you could stand. Like, I’m the controller of who stands to say they love.
Marilyn Sutherland: Like, oh, but I didn’t know that then. I’m like, Phil, why are you standing? We haven’t even talked. He comes over to me. He takes my hands in his hand. He’s standing really close to me looking in my eyes. And he says, Marilyn, you know, I’m getting married. I’ve shared about that. In a month. He said some of the things that you have shared have changed me, and I will be a better man and a better husband because of what you shared.
Marilyn Sutherland: Thank you. I’m like, okay, you could stand. And then the leader said, okay, we’re, we’re ending this session and we’ll be back in 20 minutes. Everyone in the room, except for those two people got in line, like a wedding [00:22:00] reception and waited in the break. And they all came up, held my hand and looked in my eyes.
Marilyn Sutherland: And told me why they stood. The point of the course was the community would hold us. We didn’t have to do it ourselves. They knew I didn’t let love in.
Marilyn Sutherland: They knew that. And they were willing to stand in line so that I’d have that breakthrough.
Kortney Rivard:
Kortney Rivard: uh, I don’t remember anything. They said. I’m starting to get teary.
Marilyn Sutherland: Now. That was when, I don’t know, 25 years ago, something like that, maybe a longer. And, I don’t remember what they said, but I remembered how I pushed love away. And that, that expression that’s in my title. How you push love away. I saw me doing that, but I wouldn’t let it in. And I thought. If I don’t [00:23:00] get married and it doesn’t look like I’m going to, and, you know, I don’t know what the future holds.
Marilyn Sutherland: I better let love in wherever it is. I’m at a restaurant and a baby is, you know, in the booth facing me and they’re and I play peek-a-boo with them. That’s that’s that touches my heart. I’m letting love in. And I’m expressing love to that little baby. I lived in Pittsburgh at that… no DC. I was walking down the street once and the guy had, he looked like a Harley Davidson
Marilyn Sutherland: biker. Black jacket, huge beard, gruff, bulky. And he nods at me and “Hey”, and I knocked it back and went, hi, you know, I wasn’t afraid of him. I’m on the street. He’s not gonna rape me or something. I don’t, he’s a human being. And I started recognizing we all, every [00:24:00] one of us, we all want connection. Some of us do it in weird way.
Marilyn Sutherland: That doesn’t look like we want connection, but it’s all to, to be seen, heard and loud. And so I started changing how I interacted with people and opening my heart.
Kortney Rivard: Yeah. That’s beautiful. Was that event like a, really, a turning point for you in that then where you started to realize.
Marilyn Sutherland: Yes. It changed me from trying to protect myself, which I didn’t even know I was really doing because I was so open and friendly with people. Nobody ever said, Hey, you’re closed. Or Hey, if you want a deeper connection, you got to open up. They felt, people felt connected to me,
Kortney Rivard: yeah,
Marilyn Sutherland: but I didn’t even realize how I was really blocking a real key to letting the love in.
Marilyn Sutherland: I would express love some and say, Hey, I I’m, I’m really enjoying being with you. And this has been so fun. I wasn’t embarrassed about saying that, but after I had this breakthrough, I [00:25:00] express myself. And if they didn’t say it back, I didn’t care. I wasn’t doing it to get a response. I was doing it because I own, I want to connect and have deeper connections.
Kortney Rivard: Yeah.
Marilyn Sutherland: And so I’m going to show up authentically and if it’s there, great. And if it’s not.
Kortney Rivard: Yeah, I know, like in my own relationships, I’ve come across times where you know, you, you give, but there’s a lot of times, even if you don’t realize it, there’s like an expectation back, like the expectations. I always say, like those, those are like relationship killers.
Kortney Rivard: And like you really have to, you really have to be able to give freely without expecting back. What are your thoughts on that? Like how, how do you, how do you see.
Marilyn Sutherland: Totally. Yeah. That’s I that’s what expectations kill relationships. It’s a push away. Every time you have an expectation, even if you don’t say anything often, your [00:26:00] energy’s different. We haven’t really talked about the energy that we operate in. Even if you don’t think you have an energy that you’re putting out.
Marilyn Sutherland: People feel it you’ve been around people and you get like the hairs on the back of your neck stand up, or you just feel like, like, Hey, are you okay? You say it as a friend like, oh yeah, I’m fine. Like you just feel, no, they’re not, but you don’t push them. So the thing is. We can make requests and I teach people, how do you make a clear request?
Marilyn Sutherland: And almost nobody’s good at it. Even people who do make requests, they don’t have all the pieces of it and it’s not complicated, but when you break it down, there’s, you know, like for example, is the person competent to perform? Did you say what you want, how you want it and when you want it? We don’t do that. We just say, Hey, can you stop at the store and get some bread? Well, rye [00:27:00] bread? Pumpernickel? Bagels?
Marilyn Sutherland: What do you want? Is day old bread okay? If it is, it is if you’re making stuffing, you know, so be specific. And, I’m, since, you know, I’ve, I’ve known about this for a long time, but I’m often seeing places where I didn’t do a complete request. And so I didn’t get exactly what I wanted and that’s on me.
Marilyn Sutherland: And you don’t blame the other person. You don’t blame yourself either. You just take responsibility, it’s up to us to get what we want. And if you’re in relationships with people and you don’t get what you want, and you’re not asking with love and kindness, then they’re in a reaction to you. You have the power to change.
Marilyn Sutherland: And most of us feel like we don’t and that’s part of, I think the struggle so many people have is we’re waiting for other people to meet us where we [00:28:00] are, but they’re waiting for us. And the truth is no one even knows they’re waiting.
Kortney Rivard: Yes
Marilyn Sutherland: We’re just reacting. So it’s. Not easy. If you’re the one, if you’re talking to me, if you’re in a relationship coaching relationship with me and people often say, why can’t they do it?
Marilyn Sutherland: Because they’re not, when they’re not here, you are. If relationships are a dance and the conversations you have is how the dance gets led when you start bringing loving kindness to the other person, and then they see it, you really are shifting and you can even say, Hey, I’m really trying.
Marilyn Sutherland: I know I say things that are hard sometimes, or I interrupt you or whatever the things are, they tell you. I hate when you do that. Own it I’m really trying to change when they see you trying, most people will cut you a break and, and you could just say, Hey, I’m [00:29:00] really trying. Do you notice that? And sometimes they say, no, don’t get angry.
Marilyn Sutherland: Get curious. Well, remember when I did this, that’s what I was trying not to interrupt you. Oh, I felt like you were just, it was so strange. I thought you were just daydreaming. No.
Kortney Rivard: That is okay. So that’s a really, that’s a gem right there. I’ve had that happen before, where I’ve been like, I’ve been trying so hard, I’ve been trying all these things and you’re not even noticing. And then it’s. I love the idea of getting curious, because it’s, you know, I think most people’s reaction is to get frustrated and mad.
Kortney Rivard: Like I’m trying so hard and you’re not noticing it. And, and yeah. What if, what if curiosity was the default? You know, you just started asking questions. That’s such a great tip. Oh God, that is really good. How would you handle?
Kortney Rivard: Like, sometimes you’re just not in a really great space to have a conversation with someone. Like they bring something to you, their feelings are hurt, or they’re [00:30:00] upset with you for doing a certain thing. And, and you’re really like frustrated because. They don’t realize the reason behind it, like, you know, say somebody’s feelings are hurt because you ignored them.
Kortney Rivard: But really you just had a really busy, stressful day and they’re upset with you about this, but you’re like, you’re sitting there going. I’m sorry, but I didn’t have time. Like, how would you handle something like that, where it’s like, you, you talk in your book about right and wrong and about, you know, the, the difference between both people being right.
Kortney Rivard: And one person being right. And one person being wrong. And I feel like the right wrong relationship is just so prevalent. And what I’m talking about here is like, definitely a right wrong thing where both people think the other person is wrong. And they’re right.
Marilyn Sutherland: So, if we were on live, I would pick up something that has like a, like a mug that has a logo on one side or a picture on one [00:31:00] side and it’s blank on the other. And I would say, tell me about them. And you would say, well, it’s got it’s, there’s no writing on it. And I would be like, yes, it does. They’d be like, no, it doesn’t.
Marilyn Sutherland: Yes, it does. It says, you know, copper mountain or vail, it’s a blank. I’m telling you it’s blank. That’s how it looks to me. It’s blank. I don’t know what you’re saying. Well, yeah, that’s a thing. And you could eventually turn the mug and see what are they saying? Oh my God, it is blank on the other side.
Marilyn Sutherland: I’m sorry. I was a jerk, but here’s the thing. Everything is like that because we’re unique. We each have our own perception, like, oh, a woman who say a woman has a low cut top on and she’s big busted and she’s got a push up bra. So somebody looks at her. She may think. Well, I don’t know. She [00:32:00] made it could mean, wow.
Marilyn Sutherland: They’re like, wow, that’s amazing. Or you’d be like, that’s disgusting. Why are you flaunting that or jealous? I wish I had that. Well, who knows? It’s like lots of reactions. They don’t know why the person’s looking at them. Now, most of the time in that example, which I can’t believe I said that, but I’m going with it.
Marilyn Sutherland: You, you wouldn’t go and say, Hey, why are you looking at me? You wouldn’t have the conversation, but you don’t know. It’s like the mug. So we, we only see things based on our experiences, our beliefs, the decisions we made, the survival habits we have and, and so much more. And so if we remember that everyone’s trying the best they can.
Marilyn Sutherland: Now, if you have somebody who’s got raging all the time. And that’s not a good person to have in your life. If it’s your dad, I’m [00:33:00] sorry. You need to manage that. Or your mom or your, what are your kids or whatever. You got to figure that out. But we don’t need to have people in our lives where we don’t feel safe, but if you aren’t in danger or something, then you can that fear that comes up or defensiveness or anger, that’s all your stuff.
Marilyn Sutherland: I tell this story a lot, and I do have a blog in about, the miracle of owning your juice. I think that’s the name of the blog? I was just looking at it this morning and it’s a story about Wayne Dyer, personal guru for 50 years. He often did talks. And he would bring a young, a teenager up on stage, hand them an orange and say, what do you get when you squeeze an orange?
Marilyn Sutherland: And the kids said orange juice. And Dr. Dyer said, that’s right. Why do you get orange [00:34:00] juice? Because that’s, what’s in the orange. Exactly. By the way, when I ask most adults, they don’t say that. They go juice.
Kortney Rivard: You asked me that. And I think, I didn’t say orange juice. I think I said juice.
Marilyn Sutherland: Exactly. But the kid called that’s it’s orange juice. It’s no other kind of juice. Then he turns to the audience and he says, what, what comes out of you when you get squeezed? When someone looks at you funny or acts in anger or doesn’t do what you want. Doesn’t see you. You know, that’s being squeezed.
Marilyn Sutherland: What comes out of you? Is it anger or hurt or what? Do you withdraw? That’s your juice. Now, someone pokes you or squeezes you, it could be, that’s not what happened, but even if they did, that’s still what came out of. Now, if someone’s like, you know, someone teases you all the time and you hate to be teased and [00:35:00] they keep doing that.
Marilyn Sutherland: There’s a point when you say I don’t like that, I don’t feel safe with you that you do that all the time. I want you in my life, but if you continue to do that, we’re not going to go forward. Whether it’s a girlfriend. A colleague that you have lunch with or whatever, and they’re teasing you all the time.
Marilyn Sutherland: It’s just say, I just don’t have the bandwidth for that. if that’s how you want to interact, you’re going to need to find someone else because it’s not me. I don’t enjoy being with you when you do that. I’m on edge all the time. And so I can’t relax with you. If you care about me, stop.
Kortney Rivard: Yeah,
Marilyn Sutherland: And you just be straight about it and then it’s up to them.
Marilyn Sutherland: And if it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work. You’ll find someone else. Or maybe you’re better off, you know, eating lunch
Marilyn Sutherland: alone or whatever. But you have to protect yourself.
Marilyn Sutherland: So someone teasing you, for example, you could say, I understand and they say, Hey, that’s how I showed love or friendship with with my [00:36:00] family, when I was growing up, you could say, I got that. And thanks for telling me, but it doesn’t in the meantime, I’m being triggered all the time. doesn’t work for me.
Marilyn Sutherland: Maybe we should just take a break. I don’t know, but I want you in my life. I can’t do it this way.
Marilyn Sutherland: And now you’re honest and that’s authentic communication, and now they have the facts. You’re not playing a game. And then if you said, you’re not going to, if they keep teasing you and you just say, you know what, we’ve tried, let’s just take a break.
Kortney Rivard: Yeah. What I’m hearing in that, it really, it sounds like it, it really comes back to like having that love for yourself and.
Kortney Rivard: That respect for yourself in being able to say, okay, you know, I’m going to, I’m going to show up and I’m going to listen and try to understand you. But at a certain point, I have to choose myself.
Kortney Rivard: And if it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out, but I don’t need to make you wrong. I’m just me and if it [00:37:00] works for me great. If it doesn’t, I’m going to have to make some tough decisions.
Marilyn Sutherland: Yeah. And then same with them then if it doesn’t work for you to not tease, because that’s a part of your personality that you really like, and you’re proud of you think you’re funny, go do that. Just find people who welcome that.
Kortney Rivard: Yeah. Yeah. Find your people. We all want to fit in. Like we talked about earlier, we’re, we’re wired for connection. We want to fit in. We want to belong.
Kortney Rivard: And so these, like, it sounds like the survival habits you’re talking about, like, we take those on and it causes us to want to, to shift into people we aren’t necessarily in order to belong. And then that’s where all hell breaks loose. It all gets messed up.
Marilyn Sutherland: Yeah. And you know what? This is your life. Like right now you can be more authentic. Right now, when you stop listening to this podcast and you have a moment with [00:38:00] someone and you could tell the truth, you could even just say, you know what? I just realized, I am not totally open with you about how I feel about things and I want to express it and I don’t even know how to say it.
Marilyn Sutherland: I care about you and I want a more authentic relationship. I just want to let you know right now I almost just said yes when I didn’t want to say yes, cause I don’t want to disappoint you. You’re so important to me. I want to think about this and then I would like to have a conversation. And if they’re offended by it and they don’t have compassion and you can’t get past that, they’re not your, they’re not your person, whether it’s a friend or a family member.
Kortney Rivard: Yeah. Yeah. what I’m hearing that too is there’s always like, we all have to take responsibility for our own stuff and I’m not responsible for your reaction. Like this is I’m being honest. And I’m trying to show up in this relationship in a way that’s [00:39:00] authentic to me and what you do with that
Kortney Rivard: it’s not my business. Like, I’m sorry if you don’t like it, but I’m going to choose me because I need to be with my, I will find my people. And, yeah, I think a lot of times we do take responsibility. We make someone else’s reaction mean something. When it, when we do that, then we end up we can’t be authentic.
Kortney Rivard: Cause then we’re trying to fix that
Marilyn Sutherland: good things that pop up one is,
Marilyn Sutherland: we have to have compassion for ourselves and the other person. I say all the time, we are all wounded. My granddaughter when she was in high school and my granddaughter. They had a weekend thing with seniors. I don’t know what the group was. She said there were like 30 kids there. They were all sitting in a room and they went around the room and everyone pretty much told their story.
Marilyn Sutherland: There was so [00:40:00] much pain and sorrow in these teens. Abuse. Things they witnessed ways they’d been hurt. Living in their car, who knows, like, there were so many stories. She said, I sobbed the entire time. And she had her own stories too, that, you know, I know, and were painful for her. And she said, I don’t know if she said everyone was wounded, but I think about that.
Marilyn Sutherland: And it didn’t happen, you know, right before the retreat it’s been or that the retreat she was on, it’s been happening since they were little. So we all have years of pain, we just pushed down. We don’t want to feel it, but if you can’t feel it, it can’t move through you. And now you’re living in the fear of those experiences and some of them are traumatic.
Marilyn Sutherland: And [00:41:00] the one other thing, the other thing is, there are so many skills. It doesn’t take much. When I work with people and in relationship school, we have like two classes a month, two 90- minute classes. I teach a lesson, they have a little, a breakout and they practice a little bit and then they go and practice.
Marilyn Sutherland: However they do in their life. And almost everybody has shifts within… Some kind of a shift within three to six months or maybe a little longer, but it happens. And they’re not studying every day. Just having the self-awareness the things that are most important that you noticed. That’s what you work on. You don’t work on everything, you work on one or two things.
Marilyn Sutherland: And so everyone has a learning focus for themselves that we set right at the beginning. So they know this is the thing that’s most important to focus, observing myself with kindness or making requests, not hinting, not expecting. Two simple, [00:42:00] two simple things that can change literally can change your life.
Marilyn Sutherland: It can change the dynamic with people and just that subtle thing. Oh, you’re now asking for stuff. Okay. And then, you know, as you have more confidence, you for more and you can speak up more. But there has to be some shift in your habits, the way you show up day to day. It’s baby steps. So when I think about, you know, this talk that we’re having now, people are listening.
Marilyn Sutherland: You might be thinking, oh my God, how can I possibly do all that? No, just one thing. Just one thing. Look at someone when they’re talking to you and when you’re talking to them.. Have kindness in your heart. Have compassion when you react, acknowledge. Sorry. That’s my reaction. I got triggered when you said that, I’m sorry.
Kortney Rivard: Absolutely. I think that awareness, I [00:43:00] always say awareness is half the battle. When you can start to just be aware of the patterns you have it that’s, that’s where the work all starts and that’s the first step. So Yeah.
Kortney Rivard: I thank you for that. Well, I appreciate you being on the show today so much, and I brought so much value to my audience.
Kortney Rivard: And before we go, though, can you just tell everybody how they can find you, how they can learn more about what you do?
Marilyn Sutherland: So my website is. www.loveleadconnect.com. And, so that’s one thing. Second thing is I have a link for them. So I have some free gifts for people when you buy the book and I’m just given the links to you,
Kortney Rivard: Yeah, I’ll put those in the show notes.
Marilyn Sutherland: Yeah. And if you’re curious about all this, you can read the book it’s, you know, a 3 99 on Kindle
Kortney Rivard: The book is great. I just have to say, well, well [00:44:00] worth the 3 99 is like, I mean, it’s,
Kortney Rivard: so much value
Marilyn Sutherland: you know, one of the passions that I didn’t really get to this part of the very beginning. I have spent my whole life, my almost my whole career doing relationship coaching and corporate. And when I was getting ready to leave a job that I had, where my company got taken over and I didn’t want to work with the new company.
Marilyn Sutherland: And so I was going to go out on my own and I was tired of doing business stuff, and I had so many single friends who wanted love in their fifties and forties, fifties, sixties, and I, it pained me. And so I, I decided to do a course for a single women. And I was taking a course my first thing, as soon as I retired was I was in this course about how do you create online courses?
Marilyn Sutherland: And I’d done a lot of training, but I wanted to get that training. And I created this online course, and that kind of got me into the love piece. [00:45:00] Now I’m clear that. Often why people come to me, but the, how you are in love is also how you are often at work. So it’s all about relationship skills. But, the thing is that I want people to one just tune in and tune into themselves and get centered because when your mind is quiet and you’re in your body, you have clearer thinking than when you’re trying to figure out how to survive the situation and get love.
Marilyn Sutherland: I also have a little writeup that’s in my book. It’s a page where it has the nine whopping mistakes as just kind of a reminder, if, if that calls to you, just pick one thing and notice that, and for most of us pleases a good place or the first one, which is the smart one. Which is just like, you don’t want to say you’re stupid.
Marilyn Sutherland: Like, [00:46:00] why did you load the dishwasher like that? You’re an idiot. All the spoons are spooning. Now the is probably going to do a good enough job. And if it’s not just leave the dishes and again, and move them a little bit, it’ll be okay. Doesn’t have to be perfect. So like that, that’s the smart one, like a smart Alec, like you’re being sarcastic or shaming in a very subtle way.
Marilyn Sutherland: Those, you know, the first one in the last one, those don’t work. Those are two common ones or the inner judge, but the thing is just to pick one thing. And then the third, uh, gift is a values exercise. So one of the things that’s very useful and if you need support in the values exercise, let me know. I’m waiting for enough people to say, I need help.
Marilyn Sutherland: And I’ll do a course. I’ll do a course on that, a free program, and just like help people work through the worksheet.
Marilyn Sutherland: But then about 30 minutes to an hour on it, just get started [00:47:00] knowing that if you say family’s important and you work all the time and you don’t have time for your family. You’re probably in fear, maybe family is from your heart, but you’re afraid if you don’t provide for your family, then your life will fall apart.
Marilyn Sutherland: But just noticing that you might value financial security that might have you make different choices, maybe a job where you don’t have to work overtime, maybe your job, where you make more money, maybe a job where you don’t travel. Like you make decisions from your…
Kortney Rivard: Yes.
Marilyn Sutherland: you, if you value kindness and you end up with a lot of men who are aggressive and angry, you do not value kindness.
Marilyn Sutherland: You want to just have security, but security is at a great cost. So if you really value kindness, when you see a man overreacting and anger, or a woman too, or a drama queen, then guess what? That’s not your person.
Kortney Rivard: Yeah.
Marilyn Sutherland: That’s not your [00:48:00] person. You can tell them if they react in anger and nothing changes, let them go.
Marilyn Sutherland: Honestly, I’ve never been abused in my whole life ever. And that was because I was finely tuned to that. My dad was not abusive, but he would get angry and it was scary when I was little.
Kortney Rivard: mm.
Marilyn Sutherland: So I was kind of tuned in, I wasn’t even abused. I honestly, that’s how quickly we make adjustments. So one time I went to a guy’s place and I we’d been seeing each other a while and I went to his apartment and he shut the door and there was a hole in the wall right behind the door and I’m going, oh, what’s this?
Marilyn Sutherland: And he set off so angry. I just punched a hole in the wall. I’m like, okay. Never saw him again.
Kortney Rivard: Red flag.
Marilyn Sutherland: Red flag. Yeah. Exploding red flag. But you know, I have compassion for people who don’t say, whoa, but if you’re, if that’s [00:49:00] you,
Marilyn Sutherland: whoa, why don’t choose your better. And the other thing is I wanted to say, make your life great because it’s healthy men
Marilyn Sutherland: want to be with a healthy woman, somebody who isn’t desperate and needy and needs to be praised all the time. A healthy man wants a woman who knows who she is, and she is a partner to them. And then if you’re needy, you’re going to attract the men who want someone who needs them. So that, and often it’s to manipulate.
Kortney Rivard: such a great point. Yeah. Such a great point.
Marilyn Sutherland: So, anyway, those are my, those are my gifts.
Kortney Rivard: that’s so generous and, I’ll put those in the show notes and go check those out and thank you so much, Marilyn, for being here, it’s been really nice to chat with you.
Marilyn Sutherland: Yes. I loved it Kortney.
All right. I hope you enjoyed that amazing conversation that I had with Marilyn.
As I [00:50:00] mentioned in the beginning, I’ve been lucky enough to get to know Marilyn over the past year. And one of my favorite things about what Marilyn teaches
is that wonderful relationships start with the journey to lasting love and partnership with yourself first.
I know I’ve found that to be so true. And so, so, so important.
in creating beautiful relationships with other people.
And if you’re someone who’s been going through or has gone through a divorce, a breakup and have a relationship recently, and you’re listening to all of this stuff going. I can’t even imagine trying to create a new relationship with someone after all I’ve been through. That’s where your journey starts.
Is the relationship with yourself first. And as somebody who’s been through it myself, I know that when I first started to date again, I approached it with this… I have to be enough for someone else to love me. I [00:51:00] need to, I need to be someone who will be. I accepted or who someone else will accept or love.
And that never worked. And when I finally realized that it’s time for me to stand up and respect who I am. And find love that that came from that place. From being enough that everything changed.
So, what I want to offer to you is that journey is really hard on your own. There are a lot of things that. Are nearly impossible to see. About how you’re approaching. The relationship with yourself.
And I can help you.
If you’re finding yourself. Beating yourself up about, you know, not being good enough. Um, maybe you’re beating yourself up over your health, your weight, your fitness level. Or just not being productive enough or worrying about if you’re going to make it, how are you going to make it on your own? How are you going to have enough money? How are you going to have enough?
Things, how are you going to have [00:52:00] enough of, you know, whatever it is you’re missing in your life? Because I know that after the end of a relationship, it can feel like everything is missing.
If any of those things resonate with you, I invite you to get on a call with me to talk about it. And I have some things I can share with you about how I can help you go from feeling that way to really, really having a great relationship with yourself.
And someday even loving yourself. To the point where you’re not going to waste your time on someone who doesn’t feel the same. About you, as you feel about yourself. I promise you it’s possible. So hop on over to kortneyrivard.com/lets-talk. And well, we’ll talk. All right. Hope you enjoyed this episode and I will see you again next week.
